A couple of weekends ago, we had the amazing privilege of staying at a lake house owned by dear friends of ours. The kids and I played for two days on the lake, while my husband played one day and worked the second day, fixing their plumbing issues. We kayaked, learned to paddle board, picked up an entire 5-gallon bucket worth of rocks and spent a lot of time on the deck looking out at the lake. It was a much-needed get away with surgery fast approaching.
We have made a concentrated effort not to dwell on the surgery, but it is always in the back of our minds. We, instead, focus on the post-surgery journey. What our son will get to do after surgery and recovery, not on the limitations of the recovery process or the results of the surgery.
I know that I must make different choices, especially when it comes to my thought pattern and self-care. I know that God and His word are critical to my spiritual and mental health. I diligently seek God and meditate daily on His word, taking to heart Joshua 1: 7-9.
“ 7Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may [a]prosper wherever you go. 8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you[b] shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Seeking God first and foremost everyday has become more important than ever. I wake up earlier than normal to ensure I get enough time with God, studying His Word, journaling, listening to the things He whispers to my soul. I recognize how needy I am for His presence and believe that if I don’t stay diligent in spending time with Him and His word, I will lose heart or worse, my faith will crumble through doubt. I have learned to make it a part of my daily schedule, going as far as to put it in my calendar as a date with God. I that first thing the morning before I start my day, my day starts with a coffee date on the front porch of the Farm House with God, my daily devotional, my journal, my Bible, my worship music, and a good cup of coffee. I am thoroughly convinced coffee with God is a 6th love language!
Matthew 6:33 says “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
Whenever I start to put my mountains, my trails and tribulations, my fears and doubts before God, I go back to Matthew 6:33. I know that the more the Word permeates my heart and mind and the more I seek God first, my faith will remain strong. He will add all the things needed for the journey to me. But there are moments that even though my faith is strong, I still cry. That weekend at the lake house was one such moment. Despite all our efforts to focus on the outcome of the surgery, our son woke up in the middle of the night crying out with heartbreaking sobs, worried about the surgery and what his leg will be like after the surgery. Will he be horribly disfigured? Will his leg be tremendously shorter? If he needs a cast, will it hurt? How will he use the wheelchair? All legitimate questions and concerns, some we can answer, others we cannot. At that moment, as I listened to the fear and worry in my son’s voice and saw the tears stream down his face, I struggled not to fall apart right along with him. So, I just held him and let the tears fall.
We ended up sitting on the couch for much of the night talking. I let him ask all the questions he wanted and needed to. I gave him the space to tell me his fears about the surgery and the outcome. In the middle of this tears, he stopped, looked at me and told me that even though he is scared, God’s Word says He will work all things out for his good. My tears fell even harder. Such strong faith in such a young child. His strength and faith encourage me when, as a parent, I feel helpless. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Can I encourage you tonight? If you have young children and if you doubt they hear what is being taught at church, please do not doubt any longer. They do hear, and they see how we respond to the HARD stuff. Please keep taking them. Please keep pouring into them. When they don’t want to go, take them anyway. Giving them a foundation to stand on and a community to stand with them when they face challenges is a game changer. We are blessed beyond measure with a home church that we love and where we are loved. Our church has been a major support system through the good times and the bad. I cannot express it enough how important it is to find a home church. If you don’t have a home church, please find one. There are so many great churches out there. We would be lost without ours and it takes a community to walk out this life.
As the night progressed, he continued to cry off and on. It eventually came out that he was afraid of being more different than the other kids. He walks with a limp now and cannot do many things other kids do as his hip does not have full rotation. He cannot do anything that causes the hip bone to jar as it may damage what is there. It has been extremely hard on him not being able to do things the other kids can. He shared with me that he feared he might be more disabled than he is now. All of his fears are valid. They are mine, too. In the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep, tears run down my own face with the same questions. I cry out to my Father in heaven, just as he cried out to us. It doesn’t mean my faith is weak. It doesn’t mean that I believe God won’t do something miraculous. It means that my Momma’s heart is broken for the journey that I cannot take from him, nor the pain he will suffer after surgery and during the long recovery process. I am so grateful that I have a Savior who knows how I feel, a Savior who knows pain, sorrow, loss, hope, grace and compassion. I need all that He is.
As we continued to sit on the couch, I shared with him stories of other people that are disabled and have gone on to do amazing things in their lives. I told him about Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack. How she went on to surf again on the professional circuit, get married and raise a family. I told him about Nick Vujicic, who was born without limbs. I shared how Nick speaks about God and shares hope and encouragement to people all over the world. I shared how my son’s own Grandma grew up with polio and all the things that she accomplished. I encouraged him by stating that he could use his own story to help other children with similar journeys or he could become a doctor to help children with this disease. I reaffirmed to him that there are no limits to what he can do, disabled or not, nor what God can do through him. Eventually he made his way back to bed, while I stayed up a little longer and cried. I cried that night not because I don’t believe God will see us through the HARD stuff, but because I am so grateful I have God to walk with me THROUGH the hard stuff.
My dear one’s, it is o.k. to cry. Your faith can still be strong even when you cry. I love what Psalms 56 tells me about my fears and tears.
Psalms 56:8-11 says
8 You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?
9 When I cry out to You,
Then my enemies will turn back;
This I know, because God is for me.
10 In God (I will praise His word),
In the Lord (I will praise His word),
11 In God I have put my trust;
I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
I read those word and feel my faith rising. God is for me. He is for my son. He is for you and your family. He puts my tears and your tears into His bottle. Even through the tears, I believe and my faith it still strong. That is my hope for you, that though you may cry, you stay strong knowing that God IS for you, that He will provide all you need and that He will see you through the HARD stuff.
Father, I lift up all of us going through HARD stuff. I pray that each of us develop a love and passion for Your Word and Your presence. That the Word becomes our very breath, bolstering our faith along the journey of the HARD stuff. I pray we seek you first is all that we do and hold tight to the promise that You will add to us all that we need for the journey-provision, peace, comfort, joy, wisdom, and people to walk with us through our journey. Let us find comfort in You and You Word, knowing and believing that nothing the enemy and life can throw at us will defeat us because You are for us. In Jesus Name, Amen.